Reality strikes back

Okay so why was I so majorly dramatic in my previous post. I really have extreme mood swings >.<

Anyway, kinda happy today. 4 days of not working cuz I took leave on Monday! HEH. BUT I already have like a pile of things for me to do. I bet there will be some more added on Monday. But heck, alot of things to do is better than nothing to do. Plus they don't seem to have a deadline AT ALL. I finished my work before the end of the day a couple of times and they have no idea what else to give me. And today, when they give me work, they can still tell me to take my time -.- Even though no matter how slack or easy it may sound, it is very draining indeed. Feel so shagged at the end of everyday.

And I still think that guy at work has an extreme aversion towards me. No one has ever, ever ignored me that way before.

Oh yeah, I decided not to be petty and wished V a Happy Birthday (his birthday is one day after mine) although he did not wish me. Yeah, I can be pretty calculative sometimes HAHA. And today, he replied (sans the birthday wish though tsk) and called me Little N. HAHAHHAHAHAHA. And I was the only birthday wish that he replied to :) He only liked the rest. So yeah, I'm in a pretty good mood now. HEHE.

Sort of dreading Raya. Blogged about it on Blogger before. And its 5 days more to it >.<

Been posting on my Blogger and mainly on hiatus because of work. The time that I have now is pretty much limited. Rush home to break fast, watch at least one episode of Running Man, find clothes to wear at 10.30pm and bedtime is 11pm. Then have to wake up at 5am to have my pre dawn meal and nap for like 30 mins then up by 7am to work. Still haven't fully adjust with this sort of timetable. The major reason why I had a major high fever last Friday.

Hate myself for being so weak. 

Still contemplating whether I should take off on my birthday. But that would mean $64 gone :/

I've been posting so many locked posts lately that I'm afraid that I will slip. Haiz.

And I hate the theme cuz I just realised there's too much pink. Fickle minded woman.

I watched Hannah Montana Movie, Beauty and the Briefcase and am now watching No Strings Attached. Watched Ugly Betty and rewatched A Cinderella Story and Secret Garden yesterday.

Now waiting for my dinner to be heated up.

I'm bored and people around me is pissing me off.

I don't know how to explain whatever this is I'm feeling now. Every person that I've tried to explain my 'condition' finds it absolutely absurd and impossible. Okay here goes. I have a phobia of picking up unknown number that calls me and an even greater phobia of calling someone that I have absolutely no relation to.

I know right, sounds stupid. But trust me if you see me like now, you wouldn't have thought that I'm kidding. Whenever I have to make a call, I'll break out in cold sweat and my hands become damn cold and I'll feel that uncomfortable feeling in the stomach like you want to shit. I swear.

And its really not doing my any good really. Like right now, I'm trying to muster up my courage to call back this office number that called me like 5 hours ago. Because it might be GE where I've applied to be a temp admin there. And everyone's telling me to call back but really, I have no guts to do it. Really, I feel very stupid about this stupid phobia thing. But what am I supposed to do?! This is who I am and what I really am like :(

I sometimes find myself mulling over stuffs that are so mundane. And sometimes I just space out without realising at all. I guess now that I have a lot of free time in my hands, there's just too much time to spare. 

Sometimes I wonder what are my talents, what am I capable of, what is my passion. Okay, not sometimes. Almost all the time. Many are sure of what their future plans are. Their ambitions and what they have to do in order to accomplish them. But me? Honestly I have no idea at all. I took Integrated Events and Project Management just because it sounds kind of interesting. But after 3 years, I don't think I'm cut out to be in Events. In Secondary School, I was good in Malay and Public Speaking. I was fairly good in Chemistry and Math and really enjoy those lessons. But after 3 years, I no longer feel comfortable speaking Malay. And I think my grasp in the language is deteriorating. There's no need for oral and such so I think my English is deproving as well. As for Chemistry and Math, it took me some time to like them so if I were to start looking at it now, it will probably take me sometime to like them again. Which leaves me with, nothing. No more interest left. Nothing else that I'm good at.

I know many point to my dancing as my passion. But no matter how much I enjoy them, I can never be exceptionally good. I am no longer a hardworking dancer whom I used to be. I'm no longer a dancer whose back is strong. I bet I will no longer get that compliment from my instructor. She used to say my back is my asset. I am very good in arch and everything that involves my back. But now? My motivation used to be my friends, used to be the juniors who enjoy watching me dance. I can say honestly now that I'm disappearing into the background. The motivation that used to have is slowly gone. I would never be the best dancer ever. I would never be anyone's favourite anymore. And with my friends all moving on with their own lives, I don't feel the joy anymore. I can't find the strength in me to give all I can, to work hard, to push myself.

And now, reading about Journalism interests me. I plan to pursue Bachelor in Communications majoring in Public Relations and Journalism. That is probably next year. Which means I have 1 year to decide whether this is what I really want. The fees aren't cheap after all. I'm so fickle minded that it infuriates me sometimes. People tell me about this, and I think I'll like it. People tell me about that, and I think hey, that sounds interesting. I guess its a beauty in disguise that I didn't get accepted in NTU/NUS/SMU? I mean like Business and Psychology. Do I really wanna do that?

So now after typing a huge chunk of my thoughts, I don't feel any better. Just more confused than ever.

I want to go back to being a Primary 1 kid. Just have to study, go through PSLE, worry about which Secondary School and then worry about O levels. Those period of time is the easiest I swear.

So yeah disappointed yet again. And now I really don't know how. I guess a huge part of me expected this already. But hey, I don't want to be so pessimistic. I want to try to at least hope. But I guess its hopeless now. I guess I have to start working. I guess I have to think of what I wanna do now that I got rejected. Should I go for SIM/SIT the following year or just continue working. Then if I work should I still take up Deb's job or find another one that is like more fun and not office hours? Urgh god. I guess I shouldn't be so choosy not that I have nothing to do isn't it? Ok this is pretty annoying really. I mean I didn't do very well but neither is it terrible right? Oh god :(

But then anyway amidst all this sadness and uncertainty, I have found a new friend! HAHAHA. And I know I shouldn't read too much into it but he's really very nice and I hope that this could escalate into a friendship :) Kthxbye. Somehow I wanted to write alot but a lot of things cropped up so I gotta go!

This is to make up the self destructing posts that I've had here so far. HAHA my packages from my online shopping spree last Friday have arrived :) I'm a happygurl_91.

So I'm a very lazy shopper. I have something in mind, go to the shop, buy and go home. I hate walking around. I just hate walking in general. And it is very hard for me to get out of the house. I will have no motivation to go out on my own. Like today for example, I wanted to get contacts but I'm super lazy to go out. Then mum asked me to buy for her 100 plus so that's like my motivation to go out. LOL. But then again I still didn't get my contacts cuz I'm still contemplating whether I should get the normal ones that I always buy or go for the ones with astig and start wearing contacts semi permanently. I'm fickle that way >.< So yeah what was I talking about? Oh ya.

And then I recently signed up for iBanking cuz my pay is being credited to my bank account and I would have a peace of mind to know that my pay is transferred already and I don't want to go out just to check my balance from the atm machine. Like so retarded? And I had some money to spare so yeah what else, shopping of course! :) And since I'm so happy today in contrast to yesterday, I guess its true that shopping is a retail therapy huh? HAHAHA.

My favourite site? Gmarket & Indiesin. Maybe cuz its the only place that I've ordered so far LOL. Gmarket has really cheap stuffs but you still have to survey for the cheapest prices around. Yeah I sound so cheapo. But please you buy a tshirt with details outside at least $15, on Gmarket, $9? Max $10.20. Buy stockings/leggings outside, at least $10. Buy from Gmarket, I can get for $6? $7 max! See how much you can actually save! So yeah in total I bought 14 tops. 10 from Gmarket from 4 different suppliers and 4 from Indiesin. I've always liked Indiesin stuffs but I still think that they are a tad too pricey so the cheapo me buys only from the Sales section :) Today itself, 9 of the 14 have arrived. 2 by Singpost, 3 by Dpex and 4 by Smartpac (which they stuffed in my letter box!!). And if my mum knows that I'm still expecting 5 more she'll probably go berserk HAHAHAHA.

I should stop being so hard on myself. I should really stop pitying myself. But I'm lacking so so much and I don't know how to change.

The many things I want. I know this is complete self destruction.
1) I wish that I can talk to anyone and everyone in this world and never be afraid that they will judge me or that I will say the wrong things.
2) I wish that I can actually confess to people I like.
3) I wish that that person will just confess to me.
4) I wish that everyone will like me for who I am and I don't even have to try.
5) I wish that I don't have to try so hard to make myself known and everyone will just naturally know me and my name.
6) I wish that I have the determination to strive for the best and do well in everything I do.